April 1st, 2025 | Steven Parker

Canadian Culture Is Internet Culture

We're basically a nation of living, breathing internet trolls.

Let’s face it, friends. Canada is basically the lazy teenager crashing in America’s basement, mooching off the Wi-Fi and eating all the snacks while pretending to be independent. We’re talking about a country that’s economically and militarily tethered to America like it’s still got the umbilical cord attached.

Economically, Canada is a one-trick pony. Oil, lumber, and maple syrup don’t exactly scream “global superpower”. About 75% of our exports shuffle south to the States, and if Uncle Sam sneezes, we’re the ones catching the cold—our economy loses it faster than a Tim Hortons line at 7 am. Militarily? Please. Canada’s defense strategy is basically “hope America’s got our back,” because our military budget’s so small we’d struggle to fend off a flock of geese. We’ve got 68,000 personnel compared to America’s 1.4 million—do the math. We’re the kid who talks big but hides behind the bigger sibling when the bullies show up. So yeah, we’re down here in the basement, chugging Molson, and pretending we’re not just America’s polite little shadow.

But here’s the kicker: while we’re mooching off the US, we are absolutely dominating the internet game. Canadians have some of the highest internet usage rates in the world, and we’ve got the stats to prove it. According to the Canadian Internet Registration Authority, we’re clocking in at an average of 45 hours a month online—more than anyone else globally. That’s right, while the rest of the world is out there living life, we’re doom-scrolling X, bingeing Netflix, and watching 300 videos a month. As of 2024, Statista pegs us at 37 million internet users—94.3% of the population. We’re so plugged in, it’s a wonder we don’t glow in the dark. Why go outside when you can just refresh your feed and argue about Trudeau’s hair from the comfort of your igloo?

And that brings us to the real meat of it: internet culture is Canadian culture now, because both are peak passive-aggressive. The internet is a cesspool of brave keyboard warriors firing off hot takes anonymously—no consequences, no accountability, just pure, unfiltered snark behind a screen. Sound familiar? That’s the Canadian Liberal vibe in a nutshell. These folks have taken the art of saying something bold yet spineless to a whole new level. They’ll tweet sanctimonious rants about climate change or “reconciliation” with all the gusto of a Reddit troll, but when it’s time to face the music IRL, they’re suddenly all “sorry, eh” and backpedalling faster than a hockey player on a breakaway. It’s like the internet gave them a masterclass in how to sound tough without ever having to prove it.

They will spout off sanctimonious talking points about homelessness, but never offer up their own homes.

Honestly, can we even say Canada ever had a culture that wasn’t just proto-internet vibes? Think about it—what’s more Canadian than being awkwardly polite while secretly judging everyone? That’s basically the blueprint for every Reddit thread ever. We’ve been saying “sorry” while passive-aggressively hogging the armrest since before dial-up was a thing. Our so-called cultural trademarks—hockey fights, poutine, and overpriced maple syrup—are just the kind of quirky, memeable nonsense that thrives on X. Maybe Canada never had a distinct culture to begin with; maybe we’ve always been the internet’s beta testers, perfecting the art of smiling through the shade since the days of fur trading.

When the internet came along, we just found our natural habitat.

Look at the average Liberal voter on X—boldly calling out Pierre Poilievre’s “Trumpish agenda” (whatever that means) while hiding behind a maple leaf avatar and a bio filled with Ukrainian flags. It’s the digital equivalent of leaving a passive-aggressive note on your neighbour’s door about their snow shovelling skills. But, if you met one of these clowns face-to-face, they would smile and nod politely at your MAGA views.

Canadians are nice to your face because they're too chickenshit to say anything critical when up close and personal.

This isn’t just a coincidence—it’s evolution. Canada has always been the nice guy who secretly seethes, and the internet handed us the perfect megaphone. We’re not out there starting wars or throwing punches; we’re subtweeting our enemies and ratioing them into oblivion. The Liberals, especially, have internalized this. Their whole schtick—preaching inclusivity while quietly clinging to America’s coattails—mirrors the internet’s hypocrisy: big talk, zero follow-through. We’ve gone from peace, order, and good government to peace, order, and a savage clapbacks from behind the safety of a keyboard.

So here we are, a nation of basement-dwelling, internet-obsessed trolls, proving that Canadian culture didn’t just adopt the internet—it became it. Now, if you’ll excuse me, I’ve got some memes to upvote.